Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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