I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
