she woke up with a sticky ear
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
