Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
