My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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