I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
it was like eating out sand paper
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
