The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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