I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Randomize
