First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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