I met the friendliest cop last night
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I need a beard to bite.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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