Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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