He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
