I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
