I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
