Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
