I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
