Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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