Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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