I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
