I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
