Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
