i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
