brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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