My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
