I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
