I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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