btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
