He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize