filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
