So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
This house was built for laser tag.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
