I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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