Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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