He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
