Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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