and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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