Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
