Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
