I just cut my nipple shaving
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
