Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
