went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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