My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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