My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
