I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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