Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
