he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
