Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Randomize
