I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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