I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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