I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
