Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize