i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
