he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
