I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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