So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She needs sedatives and a leash
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
