I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
