Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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