It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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