ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
