she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
